KARL BRADLEY REVIEWS THE FIRST SENTENCE OF EVERY SINGLE STORY, EVER!

I wish I could've stayed up all night last night and read Black Gate Magazine cover-to-cover and given you a review today. Instead, I went to work.

But I have to do something about Black Gate's recent release. So here is my review of the first sentence of every story in the magazine.

"Where Beauty Lies in Wait"
by Peadar O' Guilin

Darrack fell out of bed onto the straw, scraping the stump of his left arm.

Don't you love it when the first line of the first story tells you you're going to love the magazine or anthology you plunked down good money for? Of course you do, or you wouldn't be reading this blog.

The lead character starts out with a stump! Not only does it give us immediate character sympathy as well as provide a point of tension--it's a goddam stump!

Excellent start to what can only be an excellent story.

"The Lawless Hours"
by James Enge

Note: James Enge wrote other Morlock the Maker stories for previous issues of Black Gate. Everything he writes is excellent. At least, everything I've seen. I'm tempted to just skip over this first sentence and demand you read the entire story on my recommendation alone!

I will not live three hundred years.

How could that sentence not make you want to read what follows? It's a curiosity-raiser which leads straight into the second sentence. And the second sentence sets conflict and character sympathy perfectly. The second sentence of "Hours" is like the uppercut to the first sentence's swift, sharp jab.

But you'll have buy Black Gate if you want to read it. I can almost guarantee this story'll be more fun than throwing chalk balls at English majors.

"The Wizard's Daily Horoscope"
by Maria V. Snyder

Today's the perfect day to make a change in your life.

Not the strongest first sentence I've ever read, but it made me want to read the next one. Which made me want to read the next one. Which made me want to read the next one...

Which I can't do, because there are six more first sentences to review!

Note: Check out the author pic!

"Holy Places"
by Martha Wells

Even at only eight seasons old, Elias knew Cineth's god didn't really eat children, no matter what his older brother had told him.

Excellent first sentence--but it would've been 200% better if Cineth's god really did eat children.
This tells me that
a) We're likely in for a good story
b) It probably won't live up to its potential. Unless, of course, the god turns out to be a baby-eater after all.

"From the Heart of the Earth to the Peaks of the Sky"
Iain Rowen

I have been many things in my life, some of which do not fill me with pride.

Really makes me want to read this story. But Black Gate's not into pornography, so I probably won't like it as much as the first line suggests. Still, I'm intrigued.

"The Mudslinger"
by David Evan Harris

Dredge, whose real name was Kellin, huddled with the others about the map.

At first, it seems like just another campaign-trail pulp adventure. But wait! Dredge is not his real name! So I want to find out what's up with this little sneak-thief, spy, or rogue.

But I can't; there are still more first lines.

"Soulthief"
by Ben Wolcott

Garren climbed out of the freezing river and stared across a short stretch of shattered slate at the black tower.

Goddamn. Do I even need to comment on this one? It's even better than the stump. Work's gonna loose a half-hour or so from Mister Bradley tonight.

"The Entrance of Bob into Valhalla"
by William I. Lengeman III

"Dad, how much longer?" Lucy whined.

Not much to say here, except that I read on into the second sentence to see if things got better, and found out the lead character's last name is "Dogoil", which at least gives the story hope.

Maybe "Entrance of Bob" is actually a good story, but I probably won't find out until I've read every other story in Black Gate, as well as all the ones in the new Weird Tales. And the tampon instructions I dig out of my neighbor's trash. And the back of a bag of cat litter.

Honestly I hate fantasy like this. I suppose it has a place in some kind of magazine, but not in a Sword and Sorcery magazine!!! John O'Neill, what were you thinkin'?

Fortunately, the story's only four pages long, and one of those pages is an illustration. Guess I can save it for when I don't eat enough fiber.

"The Naturalist, Part II: An Incident at Gray's Works"
Mark Summer

The steady flow of the river was enough to reverse in hours the course that had taken us days along the road.

A little bit of a mouthful, but then again so am I. Nice way to start out with a problem, but all the same it seems a bit too convoluted and long. I've read much longer sentences that didn't seem that way. Maybe I've just got a bad taste in my mouth from Bob Dogoil.

I've been told I leave a bad taste myself. "Foul" was the exact word. "More wheatgrass, less whisky." Last time I ever date a fuckin' hippy...


Well I hope this blogpost makes you hunger for more. I like Black Gate not just because of the excellent stories they've published, but because it's like a great big shot of vitamins for the Sacred Genre as a whole. And not just for the fiction, either--you get a great hit of pulp fiction history with every issue, as well.

And as long as Mr. O'Neill doesn't publish too many stories about ol' Bob Dogoil and his kin, it'll likely be a strong presence for years to come.

Saute,
KB

KARL BRADLEY REVIEWS THE FIRST SENTENCE OF EVERY SINGLE STORY, EVER!

Like Bacon at a Mississippi Opera Singer Convention...

...my website is gone!

Apparently the file folders I deleted were...important?

I deleted the "public_html" folder because I couldn't figure out how to get rid of my front page. Apparently there's more to replacing it than clicking "create new folder" and giving it the same name.

I told myself I was going to read&watch a Tyrannasaurus Shitload of cPanel docs & tutorials before really getting into this web-building business. But how the fuck was I supposed to keep my hands off it that long? Websites are at least as good as mind-control rays, and more fun to operate.

But, just like mind-control death-rays, they are dangerous to use without first reading the instructions. And watching Quicktime video on how to aim them.

The worst part of it all is that I'll probably have to use mySQL.

Weird Tales and Black Gate Magazines

Slap my ass and call me Beulah! I just came into town today and Weird Tales and Black Gate magazines were on the shelves! My only problems here being

a) I still work a real job

b) I have a family gathering in OKC this week.

Well let's forget for a second that all I want to do is sit up with a shotgun a bottle of whisky and somebody's daughter and read Black Gate and Weird Tales 'till my pants crust over. I also wanted to start a website that's nothing but my reviews and opinions and news articles and jokes Uncle Robert says aren't funny but I know really are.

Like any normal person, I want a web site that'll finally reveal my ture genious. (Unlike your average person, though, I'm willing to admit it--hey, I've got an ego!). But I also want to help out the Sword & Sorcery world. Thinkabout it--if I someday get my face plastered all over NBC Nightly News, what'll that mean for The Genre!?!? The revitalization potential is endless!

But I guess the world'll have to wait another week or too. Sigh. And shit...

Excelcior,
KB

The most common thing people get wrong with their first chapter, or their story beginnings.

I'm probably going to post a lot about Critters.org because I think it's the greatest thing since canned soup. Uncle Robert isn't as enthused as I am, but that's just because Critters doesn't have a bar. As soon as they add a bar then he'll be right in there.

I've been on and off Critters over the years as my time allows. I haven't given too many crits but I'm gonna change that, in fact I've already started. I've seen the thing grow a little bit and even produce some Nebula winners. I think that's awesome.

And the stories are better than they used to be. At least, it seems that way to me. Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe it's just because I only read the fantasy stories these days, where all the best writers hang out.

But I no longer see so much of the "Chapter 1: Everything about [Charater's] Life Up Until Now". Which is good.

Of course, sometimes it's that same chapter, but told as a story instead of a block description. So that first chapter's still not always what it needs to be, but people seem to at least be headed in the right direction.

"Hey Karl, what does all this have to do with the number one fiction writing problem as you see it on critters.org? We come to your website for wisdom and we want to know!"

Well it's this: people still, 75% of the time, don't start their stories exactly like they need to: with the lead character in trouble.

Now it's ture that for some types of fiction, you don't always have to start this way. But you do always need to begin with tension, tension that catches the readers and sticks to'em so that s/he wants to read along and have it resolved.

Just about the only way to do this effectively in an action/adventure story is to begin with your lead character in trouble. I'm tlaking first sentence here--preferably the first half of the sentence.

People at Critters are going to get tired of me because I'm going to point it out in every single critque I make&give!!! I'll either point out its lack OR I'll congratulate its use. People may get sick of it but it'll be there in the very first line of every critique I write. And eventually I will make a difference!

Now go sign up at Critters and take over the place!

KB

My First Step to the Big-Time

With a shotgun in my right hand and a machete in my left (born ambidextrous--no feats or skill points needed!), I leapt headfirst and screaming into the 21st Century.

That's right everybody--I am the proud new owner of a domain name and a hosting account!

As soon as I master cPanel and make some fun web pages, THE INTERNET--NAY, THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!--WILL NEVER AGAIN BE THE SAME!

KB